Bad Dope
by Kimmie
Summary: My songfic from hell, Yohji's been doing some seriously messed up stuff....


Spoilers: None that I can think of.

Warnings: Gratuitous amounts of Britney Spears and my own warped sense of humour, language, yaoi, and the like. Sorry, but Oops I Did It Again is so a Schu song. _Italics_ are song lyrics. This is old, but I heard the damn song and felt like re-sharing it with the world. I'm just that nice.

Yohji was plastered, to put it lightly. As he crashed into his bed, still fully clothed, his coat hanging off one arm in a failed attempt at removing it, he wasn't even quite sure if it was his bed he was crashing into, or what his name was.

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Yohji wasn't sure where he was, all he saw around him was barren rocky landscape, looking quite imposing and foreign. In front him lay a large silver dome, with what appeared to be a door. 

Yohji noticed several things. He knew his name. He was quite coherent. He was wearing a lot of tight black leather.

"Ooohh, these pants are so hot!!" Yohji craned his head around, trying to catch a glimpse of his own ass. Satisfied with the view, he smirked, cocking a hip to the side, and smacked his derierre lightly, enjoying the sound. 

After a few more minutes of basking in his own sexiness, and not coming up with anything better to do, he decided to go walk into the dome. He was so absorbed in his appearance he didn't seem to realize the predicament he was in.

Yohji entered cautiously, saw no danger in the lavishly and attractively decorated interior that resembled a disco S&M club, promptly turned around, and exited. He then re-entered, much more stylishly, with a sexy smirk and a confident swagger.

The empty dome came to life upon this burst of Yohji manliness, and soon fires lit up along the walls, lights started flashing, and music began to play. It was a heavy pop beat, and was vaguely familiar to the devastating blonde, who was stopped in his tracks as a hydraulic lift descended from the ceiling, spinning to reveal on the other side, a figure clothed all in red.

Yohji gasped. What lay before him, what sweet vision did he see? Whoever she was, she was fucking hot, and Yohji Kudo, Ladies Man Extraordinaire, now knew his purpose for being there. 

Well, until his slammin' sunglasses slipped down his nose and he got a better look at his lady in red.

She wasn't a lady.

She was that damn member of Schwarz.

The one who thought he could out whore Yohji Kudo.

Schuldig, that trashy German slut!

As he thought many blasphemous, venomous, and just downright mean things about the assassin, said knockout redhead got up from his lazy perch, and began to stalk towards our intrepid hero, who couldn't help but notice, with some envy, the German's downright naughty red vinyl pants and bondage shirt number. He also noticed that Schu was moving rather seductively with the beat, and Yohji shook his head. He didn't like boys, and even if he did, he didn't like that one at all!

Schu snickered, and Yohji remembered the redhead could read minds. Fuck!

Just as our sexy Schu-Schu was about to do some serious violation of Yohji's personal space, which was making Yohji break into a "nervous" sweat, he turned quickly, struck a dramatic pose, smirked one more time for good measure, and burst into song.

__

I think I did it again

I made you believe

We're just than just friends

Oh baby, you might seem like a crush

But it doesn't mean that I'm serious

Cause to lose all my senses

That is just so typically me

Oooh baby baby...

From out of nowhere, Nagi and Farfarello appeared, in matching silver vinyl ensembles, and joined Schu in his song and dance number, backing up the luridly dancing German wannabe pop princess.

__

Oops I did it again

I played with your heart

Got lost in the game

ooh baby baby

Oops you think I'm in love

That I'm sent from above.....

I'm not that innocent!

Schu turned to face Yohji, a pouty look on his handsome face, as he dropped to his knees and began the second verse.

__

You see my problem is this.....

Nagi and Farfie danced back to a wall, spinning it to reveal a incredibly pissed off Bradley Crawford in nothing but black vinyl pants chained to the backside. Schu started to crawl towards his leader, tight ass swaying Yohji noticed as his pants got a whole hell of a lot tighter.

__

I'm dreaming away

Wishing that heroes they truly exist...

Schu reached Crawford, and rose from his catlike crouching, running his hands up Brad's body as he went, making sure to fondle certain areas just a little more. Brad glared daggers. Yohji gulped and started to fan himself.

__

I cry, watching the days

But you see I'm a fool

In so many ways

Yohji and Brad had to agree, for different reasons. Brad because he believed the redhead obviously didn't value his life from the way he was treating him, and Yohji cause Schuldig was totally ignoring the green eyed sex machine named Yohji Kudo who was more than willing to give him some, for that stick up the ass Crawford. Yes, somewhere in 2 minutes of song Yohji had re-evaluated his own sexuality and decided that he could be an even more impressive slut by screwing around with both sexes. Take that Schuldig!

__

But to lose all my senses

That is just so typically me

Baby ohhhhhh

Schuldig moved away from Brad, and returned his focus to some groovin' Schu-Schu original dance moves, which Nagi and Farf performed with him with the precision of a boyband from Orlando.

__

Oops I did it again

I played with your heart

Got lost in the game

Oohh baby baby

Oops you think I'm on love

That I'm sent from above

I'm not that innocent!

By this time, Schu was once more in front of Yohji, and Yohji, never being one for subtlety, reached out and grabbed what he wanted. Just as he was about to ram his tongue down the German's throat, he heard someone screaming his name........

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"YOHJI!!! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!!!!!"

Yohji opened his eyes, and realized he was holding one extremely pissed Aya Fujimiya in his arms, his face millimeters from his own.

Amethyst eyes were more than glaring daggers, they were hurling katanas. 

Yohji shoved Aya away from him as fast as he could, wiping his mouth and screeching.

"What the fuck?!?! I have Aya germs!!!!! MOUTH WASH!!!!!" and ran from the room as fast as his long legs could carry him, somehow not barfing all over the place from his spinning head. 

Aya landed on his round ass.

"YOHJI!! SHI-NE!!!!!" And he hopped up, out for Kudo blood.

Across Tokyo, a sexy German redheaded assassin woke up in a cold sweat, wondering just what kind of sick fucks Weiss were. 

On second thought, what kind of fabulous fuck one particular Weiss could be.

The End

:innocent look: 


End file.
